Notes: This is based on the anime, not the manga. One does not have to be a virgin to become a vampire in this universe. The troops spoken of are not the Wild Geese.

You can play "spot the Harry Potter reference" if you like.

I’d like to thank the “little_details” community at LiveJournal for some wonderful suggestions and jokes about evil cult plots which were used in this story.

Thanks also go to dasaod for beta work, and also to wtfsad for beta on the non-smut parts.

Disclaimer: Hellsing belongs to Kohta Hirano and Pioneer Entertainment, who probably never pictured this particular scenario.

Chapter One

Seras Victoria walked into Sir Integral’s office expecting another routine assignment. She sat down in the chair and waited expectantly while her master’s master smoked and shuffled papers on the desk.

She was almost ready to risk speaking first when the other woman looked up and said, “A religious cult needs a virgin for a ritual and we’re fairly sure it’s you they want.”

Seras blinked a few times. Sir Hellsing was not known to make jokes, and if she did they would probably be funnier than this.

“I’m not quite sure what you mean, Sir Hellsing?” she finally said tentatively.

“A man has been caught attempting to break into our office in Scotland. He had a map of Hellsing manor and an intriguing document in Old French regarding virgins. Unfortunately the regular police caught him instead of us, so we’ve been unable to get further information.”

“Virgins,” said Seras.

Integral nodded and took the cigar out of her mouth. “Virgin vampires,” she added. “It’s an interesting topic. You do see where you fit in now, I think?”

Seras, still shocked, nodded reluctantly. “Yes, that does… apply. But what on earth do they want with a virgin?”

“Right now, we don’t actually know,” replied Integral.

“They probably don’t know either,” said Alucard, suddenly materializing in the corner. “It’s in the standard instructions for evil plots. You always need a virgin.”

“You would know,” muttered Integral, stubbing out the cigar.

“This sounds like a pathetic bunch. They’ll put Seras on an altar and then end up reading her dark poetry and making incomprehensible threats.”

Integral nodded, “Scrabble. It will probably end in a scrabble game.”

Seras was beginning to get angry. “Will you please stop talking about me like I’m not in the room?”

They didn’t.

Alucard was grinning now. “Maybe they need a vampire virgin to catch a vampire unicorn?”

“I would think they’d be herbivores,” said Integral.

Seras was about to interrupt again when Walter did it for her, entering the room with a pile of papers.

“I’ve found out more about this cult,” he said in his usual serious voice. “They’re centered near Normandy. Apparently they were suspected of capturing a young woman in the area a few years ago. She managed to climb out a window and escape. But she found out the details of their plan, though no one took her seriously at the time.”

Alucard held out his hand. “They preyed on the locals.” He ticked another item off on his gloved fingers. “Then they told the victim their entire plan. Then an unarmed young woman was able to escape. I told you we were dealing with amateurs.”

“Will you let Walter finish?” said Seras somewhat desperately. “What did they want the girl for?”

“Apparently they worship a dark vampire god, and she was to be his next incarnation. Only a virgin vampire is usable for this, and they threatened to turn this girl into one and use her for the ritual.” finished Walter.

“So that’s what they want with me?” asked Seras. Walter nodded at her sympathetically.

Alucard smirked. “And this god isn’t going to wonder why he’s suddenly a small blonde woman with large breasts?”

“You are not funny,” said Seras, knowing he would ignore her completely.

“If they have a vampire at their disposal, why don’t they just get another girl and turn her?” asked Sir Integral.

“Apparently the vampire connected with their organization was killed by Iscariot operatives while on an unfortunate vacation in the south of France last year. Since then, this group has decided to take more direct measures. Thanks to our efforts, there simply aren’t that many vampires anywhere,” said Walter.

Integral shook her head. “It sounds like it would be a fun exercise for a few of our new recruits to wipe these people out. There’s no reason to concern ourselves over this.”

“I hope not, my lady,” replied Walter. “However the organization itself seems to have agents in place here in England as well, and there are rumors that they have some person who is a regenerator, with technology similar to Iscariot’s.”

“That’s a point,” said Sir Integra. “Have you heard back from Section Thirteen on this yet? You said they knew something about this organization they weren’t telling you.”

“They always do,” said Walter. “But meanwhile I’ll go call them back. I think I can get Father Maxwell to co-operate.”

Walter left the room again, almost brushing against Seras as he passed her. A vague thought that had occurred to her before nagged at her mind, but she pushed it away.

“Well there’s an easy to way to solve this, you know,” said Alucard lazily. “Invalidate the police girl.”

Seras sat up in shock. “You have got to be joking!”

Integral lit another cigar. “That would buy us some time,” she said. “The cult would lose interest in us for now, and we could track them down later, while they were still looking for another virgin vampire.”

Seras jumped up, “I am not going to lose my virginity!”

Integral looked up as if she had just noticed her. “I was speaking theoretically, police girl. Sit down and be quiet.”

“I fail to see why we should remain theoretical about this,” said Alucard. “She’s an adult, surely she could get herself a lover if she hasn’t got one already.”

Integral looked thoughtful again, and Seras began to get even more nervous.

“How would you like it if someone ordered you to have sex?” Seras protested.

Her master laughed. “How do you know no one ever does?”

Integra glared at him.

“I was talking to Sir Integral,” said Seras.

“Oh, lying down with a man is the least she would do to save Hellsing,” laughed Alucard.

“We aren’t discussing my sex life here,” interrupted Sir Hellsing. “Though I must admit I’m surprised the police girl has held out this long, hanging around the troops all day.”

Seras’s red eyes grew angry but even under the circumstances she knew she could only go so far. She calmed down and began to speak.

“Some of the men are nice enough, not that I really think of dating in my condition. But those seem to all have girlfriends, or boyfriends, or something. Then there’s a few that give me filthy looks, and say horrible things about me when they think I can’t hear.”

“I told you,” said her master cynically. “There’s interest. Just pick one.”

“Really horrible things,” said Seras. “Things like, ‘I wouldn’t do it with a dead body, would you?’ and ‘What would anyone want with a woman with a ten-inch tongue?’”

“That man has no imagination,” said a voice from the doorway.

Sir Integral looked up. “Pardon me, Walter?”

The butler walked into the room with a piece of paper. “I said that man sent me the information.”

The young vampire shook her head to clear her hearing as Walter dropped the paper on Integral’s desk.

Integra read it and looked up gravely. “Plans are in place for members to return here soon, with a possible regenerator. And they really do claim to have a way of finding true virgin females.”

Seras opened her mouth. “What, like a television detector van?”

Sir Integral looked as if she were trying not to laugh, and even Walter seemed to be holding his mouth especially straight. But then Integral turned back to her butler and asked,

“So what’s the procedure for loss of virginity, exactly?”

Alucard, still lurking in the corner, laughed out loud then.

“I meant by the cult’s standards!” she snapped.

Walter hesitated just a moment, then said in a calm voice, “Well, the usual apparently, a completed act of intercourse with a male.”

His boss nodded, and looked to Seras Victoria. “It’s that, police girl, or you continue to attract a Paladin Anderson we are not prepared to deal with. I’m only telling you this for your own good, you know.”

“Who says they’ll stay away just because I’m not a virgin anymore?”

“They have no grudge against us or you personally. If you can’t incarnate their god, they’ll look for someone else they won’t find. And we’ll be able to worry about them when the newest troops have had better training.”

Walter was now looking concerned. “Sir Hellsing, surely you aren’t suggesting that Seras Victoria should…”

Seras gave him a pleading look but Integral was already gesturing toward the door. “If you don’t have any more relevant information, you may leave.”

Walter gave a brief, “Yes, my lady,” and left again.

Seras watched him walk down the hall, something occurring to her but being pushed yet again to the back of her mind.

“You may go also, Seras Victoria. Report back when you’ve given this matter some rational thought.”

“There is no way I am going to –-“

Sir Integral interrupted, “You are dismissed.”

She nodded and left, heading for her room confused and angry.

She sat down on the edge of her coffin bed, cursing her master and every generation of Hellsings under her breath. She had run out of every word she knew and begun a new round when there was a knock at the door.

When she opened the door to see Walter, she was surprised, but let him in immediately.

“Seras Victoria, I’m sure if you talk to Sir Integral further, she’ll realize the unfairness of the situation.”

Seras shook her head. “I think I’ve given up. I am, as my master said, an adult, and sex can’t be so bad, can it?”

She sat back down, and Walter sat next to her, looking as dejected as she felt.

“Well, no, it’s not really,” began Walter. “But honestly, you deserve better than this. Love, romance, that sort of thing.”

“Dinner and a movie at least, I should think. But never mind, I’ll settle for one night with someone decent. You’d think it would be easy to accomplish. I have the world’s best pick-up line. “Do it for Hellsing.”

Walter laughed. “You’d think it would be easy for you in any case.”

“What do you mean?”

He didn’t answer. “You can’t be determined to do it this way? I assure you that I’d rather fight this regenerator hand-to-hand myself than see you do something you’d rather not.”

Seras shook her head. “I’m not a medieval saint. I’m just a lonely vampire, and I might as well get this over with.”

She saw him shake his head with a sad expression. “Very old-fashioned, aren’t you?” she asked.

“Not that old-fashioned,” he answered. “And if you’re really set on doing this, I’m sure it’s up to you. Meanwhile though, I’m going to talk to Maxwell again.”

“How do you get all this information from him? He’s always such a bastard to most of us,” the vampire said.

“He’s not so hard to deal with,” said Walter. “I promise to send him a couple of pairs of Integra’s underwear, and he’ll tell me anything.”

He got up to leave, but she stopped him.

“The problem is who,” she went on. “I can’t exactly take a personal ad in the newspaper. We’re still pretending the vampire business is low-key.”

Walter nodded. “There aren’t many troops stationed here right now,” he admitted.

“I really have thought of all of them. The few who are single are a truly distasteful bunch with sick minds.”

“I hate to say this…” began Walter. “But Alucard…”

Seras sighed, an effort for someone who no longer had to breathe. “I thought of that of course. But even if he would oblige, I just couldn’t. One minute you’re in bed with a humanoid male, and the next you’re looking at the ooze with a thousand eyes. Besides, how can I have sex with someone I call master?”

After a moment Walter said, “Well, actually, a great many people—“

“That’s not what I mean. Alucard is out of the question.”

Walter nodded. “I can’t say as I blame you. But if you’re eliminating him, and the troops, who is left really? Even everyone in the current serving staff is female.”

Seras nodded, and then looked at him for a moment. Suddenly her thoughts coalesced in her mind, and she saw the old butler in a whole new light.

“Say, Walter, you’re a man!”

“Well-spotted,” muttered Walter. “Your point?”

“And you like women, and you’re single,” she said. He nodded, beginning to look very suspicious.

“And you’re not especially kinky,” she said. He remained motionless, and she added tentatively, “Unless you are…”

“I don’t use wires in my personal life, if that’s what you’re getting at,” he said. “But you can’t possibly be thinking of me as a candidate.”

“Why not?” asked Seras. “You’re perfectly decent. A real gentleman in fact.”

“I simply couldn’t.” Then he added. “I don’t mean I physically couldn’t. Please understand, I’m seventy years old, Miss Seras, and under these clothes I look it. Even with your eyes closed, you can hardly pretend I’m a handsome young actor. “

“Perhaps I prefer handsome old actors,” she said thoughtfully.

“Honestly, this is ridiculous,” he said, getting up again.

She caught his hand. “You’d be doing me a very big favor.”

The butler crossed him arms and looked at her. “I don’t think I’ve ever had a sexual proposition phrased quite that way.”

“Are you saying you’re interested?”

“I’m afraid I’m a bit beyond interested,” he muttered.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“If this were a few decades ago we might well have had a completely different conversation on this subject, without threat of evil cults. As it is, however --”

She was a little intrigued at his words, and beginning to become a bit lost in her efforts to get him to agree. “I don’t have many choices. And this could be interesting, at least, don’t you think?”

She looked into his green eyes and watched as he closed them in thought. Finally he sighed. “I’m giving in for all the wrong reasons, I think. But if you’re really sure, I’m available.”

“Tonight?” asked the young vampire.

He raised his eyebrows. “It’s late already now. The sun will be up soon. Sleep on it, at least. Then tomorrow evening, if you still feel the same way, we’ll see.”

“Thank you,” she said with some relief.

“The pleasure is…” he trailed off, clearly unwilling to finish the sentence.

She leaned forward then and kissed him on the lips. She had no idea what to expect. His response to her gesture felt pleasant and, even in her nervousness, was a little exciting.

When she pulled back, he was gazing at her as if he already had regrets. She tried to smile and in the end he gave a dry laugh and said. “Interesting. Yes. Sleep well, Seras Victoria.”

This time as he left she stared rather blatantly at his backside. He really was built well for a man old enough to be… She blocked that thought out too. “It could be worse,” she thought to herself, picturing Alucard with multiple eyes and the most annoying of the soldiers. That thought was replaced by speculation on how Walter would look without a shirt, and on that note, she fell asleep.



Note: As Harry Potter fans may recognize, the passage where Seras “notices” that Walter is a man is taken from the scene in Goblet of Fire where Ron remembers that Hermione is a girl. All credit goes to J. K. Rowling.